7 Keys to Happy Relationships
My husband Ken and I are celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary next week. We’ve been together more than forty years and we’ve been through a lot, including now a pandemic!
For advice on making our relationship even better, I turned to a classic book on relationships. The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, by Dr. John Gottman, is based on extensive research on what causes marriages to succeed or fail.
The principles are:
1) Know your partner well. “The more you know and understand about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you.”
2) Nurture your fondness and admiration. Recall and share memories about when you first met, what attracted you to each other, fun times you’ve had together, etc. Make a list of everything you cherish and admire about your partner and tell them often.
3) Turn toward each other instead of away. In successful relationships, it’s all the little interactions that add up. Gottman says two common obstacles to turning towards each other are: 1) “missing a bid for connection because it’s wrapped in anger or another negative emotion” and 2) “being distracted by the wired world.”
4) Share decision-making. Be open to being influenced by your partner when making decisions.
5) Solve the conflicts that can be resolved. Gottman teaches couples how to successfully argue using the following steps:
Soften your start-up (the beginning of the argument)
Learn to make and receive repair attempts
Soothe yourself and each other
Compromise
Process any grievances so they don’t linger
6) Overcome unresolvable conflicts. Gottman calls these “gridlock” and says that for most couples, the majority of their conflicts fall into this category. He teaches couples how to recognize gridlock, accept that the conflict won’t easily be resolved, and still work on it gently together.
7) Create shared meaning. “Marriage can have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together – a culture rich with symbols and rituals.”
I’m looking forward to exploring these principles with my husband, hopefully for many more decades!
Please take good care of your precious self. Our world needs your gifts of kindness, compassion, and empathy now more than ever.
Hugs,
Liz
